FFF - Forms, Forms, Forms Part 3 (Cont...)

The Special Ops were on the way to apprehend the suspect... all the team member moved into position and waiting for signal from Team Leader... their hearts were pounding fast with anxiety... they were breathing heavily as the stench from the area was foul...

"Ten-David, we have the target on sight and ready to go. Please advice."

"Target identified, go, go, go.." as the walkie talkie sounded...

Team Leader gave the signal.... "Bang" they blew open the door where the suspect was hiding...

Team Leader: HR Investigation!! Stop what ever you are doing and put your hands on your head!!! Let me see those hands!!! You are under arrest!!

Benny: Wait, I am wiping my ass with tissue...

Team Leader: Stop there!! Don't try to destroy the evidence. Team A, please seize the "evidence" from the suspect.

Benny: Can you at least let me flush the toilet as it is getting smelly.

Team Leader: Stop there! You want to destroy the evidence again?!!! Team B, please gather the important evidence. We need both of the evidence as instructed by Mr. Mizerry.

"Ten-David, the suspect is apprehended and ready to go..."

FFF - Forms, Forms, Forms Part 3

One morning, Boss called Benny...

Boss: Benny, where are you? I need to see you urgently.

Benny: Ermm.. Boss, I am in the toilet. I will see you in 15 minutes.

Boss: You don't lie to me. I did not approve your AFS Form. Either you are not in the office or you are breaking the rules.

Benny: I am so sorry, Boss. I had a stomach upset and I really need to shit.

Boss: You hold on there, buster. I am sending the HR Investigator, Mr. Mizerry to apprehend you. Stop whatever you are doing there.

FFF - Forms, Forms, Forms Part 2

One day Benny was called urgently to the HR Department.

Benny: Yes, anything urgent?

HR: Yes, we found some mistakes in your application.

Benny: Are you sure? I have really checked it thoroughly.

HR: We did some investigation and found that you did a mistake or dishonest in filling this form.

Benny: Please show me the mistake.

HR: In the AFS* Form, Section C, you ticked Option Three whereas one of my investigator told me that you actually fall in the Option Two.

Benny: Let me have a look.... Oh yah, sorry I admit it's my mistake.

HR: See now... you should have admitted that your shit is greenish colour in option 2, instead of brownish color in option 3. Our investigator always check and make sure no mistakes in the forms.

Benny: Sorry, I will be more careful next time when I check my shit.

*AFS=Application To Shit

FFF - Forms, Forms, Forms

One fine morning, Benny was on his workstation auditing his customer's Balance Sheet.. when suddenly...

Benny: Can you hand me the ATS Form?

HR: Here is your ATS Form. I recommend you fill in this ATF and ATP Form too.

Benny: Ok, I might need the other two forms as three of these normally come together.

HR: Ok, please fill in these forms and submit them to me for approval.

Benny: Can you approve my applications right away.

HR: Depending on the number of applications. Sometimes it might need few days.

Benny: But I need this urgently so that I can proceed.

HR: Sorry pal, rules are rules. Not even the CEO can bend the rules here. I recommend you to settle this out of the office.

Benny: Ok, please give me the relevant form.

HR: Here is your ATSO form. This application can be approved in few minutes.

Benny: TQ.

Abbreviations for the forms:

1. ATS = Application To Shit

2. ATF = Application To Fart

3. ATP = Application To Pee

4. ATSO = Application To Shit Outside

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 32)

XYZ Plc. was having a weekly Management Meeting.

Sir Amvent: Lord Adam, I proposed that we mobilised all the sales personnel in the sales department to secure more sales.

Ms. Rody: Lord Adam, I fully agree with Sir Amvent.

Sir Amvent: Then we implement a Call Centre Unit to handle the sales via phone.

Ms. Rody: Lord Adam, I fully agree with Sir Amvent again.

Sir Amvent: And to further reduce the cost, we can terminate those sales personnel who did not perfom.

Ms. Rody: Lord Adam, I fully agree with Sir Amvent.

Sir Amvent: This is to show our commitment in getting more sales to the HQ. And if Lord Adam, you are in the sales teams, we might sack you if you are not performing. Ha ha!

Ms. Rody: Lord Adam, I fully agree with Sir Amvent. Ermm... Sorry Lord Adam, I didn't mean that I agree that you to be sacked.

Sir Amvent: Ms. Rody, I am just cracking a joke here. Just don't agree with me on anything, will'ya.

Ms. Rody was blushing like a baboon's ass.

Moral of the Joke

• If you want to apple-polish, please do it with human brain and not parrot brain.
• You will get more "asses" on your face than good favours by apple-polishing.

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 31)

(This happened few years ago) XYZ PLc. is in the midst of evaluating some training proposal from consultants for some internal training programme. Two consultant companies were shortlisted Advonte Plc. and TrainBean Plc. Mr. Vash was assigned to conduct a evaluation and suggest the best company for the job.

Mr. Vash, in his usual nature, delegated this job to his assistant, Mr. Baker.

Mr. Vash: Baker, did you come to any decision on the two companies? Which one you think is suitable for the job?

Mr. Baker: Boss, based on the evaluation, I think TrainBean Plc. is more suitable than Advonte.

Mr. Vash: Why?

Mr. Baker: Boss, first of all, TrainBean is more established and they have a lot of experience in the training subject.

Mr. Vash: Aiaya, are you sure aa? But I think Advonte is better.

Mr. Baker: Ok Boss. If you feel Advonte is better, then we will suggest Advonte to the Management.

Mr. Vash: Yeah. Baker, please remember to call Advonte and inform them to prepare a final proposal.

Few days have gone and Baker forgot to call Advonte Plc.

Mr. Vash: Baker, why you didn't call Advonte Plc.?

Mr. Baker: Sorry Boss, I forgot. But how did you know about this?

Mr. Vash: Of course I knew. My wife has been nagging me at home and asking when we wanna award the contract to her friend!! (oppssss...)

Mr. Baker: ..................

Mr. Vash: Ermmm... ahhh.. ehhh.... No la. No la. Forget what I have said.

Mr. Baker: (wtf.....!)

Moral of the Joke

• As a Boss, you make all the decision not your spouse/partners.
• Be professional. Don't mix office with home.

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 30)

Mr. Mosquito: Stupid! You can't even solve this problem. Really stupid!!

........

Mr. Mosquito: Stupid! The letter is crumpled. Really Stupid!!

.......

Mr. Mosquito: Stupid! Can't you give a better alternative? Really stupid!!

.......

Mr. Mosquito: Stupid! You are just plain stupid!!

.......

Lord Adam got to know about Mr. Mosquito's bad habit of calling people "stupid" in the office. So one day Lord Adam asked for Mr. Mosquito.

Lord Adam: I heard that you like to call people "stupid" in the office.

Mr. Mosquito: No, no. I never do that. You have been misinformed. It's not me but my assistant, Ms. Maggie. I'll never call people "stupid"

Moral of the Joke

• Don't insult your subordinate.
• Don't call people "stupid" unless you are Einstein, Hawkings or Obama.
• Stupid boss calling others stupid = a pig calling other animals fat. :)

Baker is finally out of the "Shit Hole"

As some of the readers might noticed, there were no posts in May 2010. It's because Baker finally got his transfer out from his office. Therefore he was busy packing his stuffs and moving to a new office in the whole month of May.

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 29)

One month ago, Baker has finally left his "shitty" office in Kuala Lumpur back to this hometown...

So one day at his old shitty office...

Scene 1:

Big Boss: "Who approved this programme?!!! I don't know a damn thing about it!!"

Boss: "Boss....Baker said...... u approved it."

Scene 2:

Janitor: "Who nvr flush the toilet?"

Boss: "It's Baker"

Scene 3:

James: "Darn! It's raining again."

Boss: "It's Baker's fault"

Scene 4:

Security: "Who never shut the emergency door?"

Boss: "Yesterday, I saw Baker open this door and never shut it back"

Scene 5:

Boss: "Damn, some of my shit stuck on my skirt. It's Baker's fault!"

Scene 6:

Boss' Son: "Mom, where does baby comes from?"

Boss: "It's Baker's fault"

MORAL OF THE JOKE

• You can put the blame on your subordinate when he is already left the office. However, not everybody might believe you.
• Be responsible already!!
• Blaming game will make you look stupid.

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 28)

John was on a long vacation. When suddenly Boss emailed him...

Email 1 -

Dear John,

How do we assign jobs to the new staff? Please advise.

Boss.

Reply1 -

Dear Boss,

Please bring the new staff to meet the Head of HR. He/She will assign the jobs to them.

John

Email 2 -

Dear John,

I appreciate next time that you inform me of the arrival of the new staff at least 5 days in advance. How do we assign jobs to the new staff? Please advise.

Boss.

Reply2 -

Dear Boss,

As mentioned in the earlier email, please bring the new staff to meet the Head of HR. He/She will assign the jobs to them.

John

(One day, Nicki, John's subordinate met with Boss)

Boss: John is very rude to me. He is giving me orders to work. Who he thinks he is?! I am the Boss.. Very rude...

Nicki: ........

MORAL OF THE STORY:

John should write like this:

To My Esteemed Boss,

I have the honour to reply to your brilliant question. In my humblest opinion, I have the pleasure to inform Your Esteemed Boss that Your Esteemed Boss is able to consult the HR Boss with regard to the assignment for the new staff.

I would like to bow down to say a million thanks for wasting your precious golden time.

Any harm caused in this email is deeply regretted.

With utmost respect from your humblest worker,

John

Tales of Idiotic & Perverted Boss (Part 27)

Baker was away from his mad office for a short vacation down south when one morning, Mr. Mosquito called his mobile...

Mr. Mosquito: Baker, are you up or down?

Mr. Baker: Boss, I am on leave today.

Mr. Mosquito: Yes, I know. Are you up or down?

Mr. Baker: Up or down?

Mr. Mosquito: Ya, up or down?

Mr. Baker: Boss, I am down south.

Mr. Mosquito: I am not asking where are you. I am asking whether you are on top you wife right now or you are down under.

Mr. Baker: Ha. ha. ha. ha. (fake smile and in his heart *^$&^!#*&)

MORAL OF THE JOKE

1. Be professional and don't disturb your subordinate who is on vacation just to crack some dirty jokes.
2. Again... Don't be an idiot....

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 26)

Mr. Baker was in delivering a corporate briefing to a group of students from University Technology of Malawi. As usual he started of with brief introduction and moved on towards the serious part. After 5 minutes, Baker realised that the students were getting sleepy.

At that moment, he pulled out one of his classic joke to "wake" the students....

Mr. Baker: I realised that most of you are maybe a bit sleepy. Let me tell you about one funny experience of mine working in this company.

Students: Ok...

Mr. Baker: 5 years ago, XYZ Plc.'s office was in an old and small complex. One day I saw a box of colourful round shaped objects in front of my door. I was thinking to myself "Who put a box of candies in front of my door? Looks nice.."

Suddenly, before Mr. Baker can continue further..... one hand raised high among the group....

Mr. Vash: Mr. Baker, can we focus on the original presentation aa? You know, the time is limited... just go into the facts la... (Note: it's just only 5 minutes into the presentation)

Everybody else was shocked and there were a sign of awkwardness among the lecturers and students.

Mr. Baker: So now what? Can i continue my joke or what?

Mr. Vash: Ermmm... ahhh.. ehhh.... please continue.. please continue...

MORAL OF THE JOKE

1. Never ever humiliate your subordinate in front of other guests.
2. You can send a small note and pass it to the presenter.
3. Don't be an idiot (must I repeat this for every posts? I think I should. It's Idioticboss.blogspot anyway. ;p)

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 25)

During the General Management Meeting of XYZ Plc.

Lord Adam (CEO) : So Mr. Vash (Boss), what is our sales performance for the past few months?

Mr. Vash: Ermmm... ahhhh... ehhhh... Sales performance huh... Ermmm... ahhhh... ehhhh... I have it with me just now... Ermmm... ahhhh.. ehhhh.... Maybe Mr. Baker can comment on this matter?

Mr. Baker: Ermmm... ahhhh.. ehhhh.... Sales performance huh... Ermmm... ahhhh... ehhhh...

Lord Adam: Hey, Baker. Why do you speak like that? Are you ok?

Mr. Baker: Yes, sir. I am perfectly healthy. Maybe I have been working under Mr. Vash for too long... (hahahhahaha)

MORAL OF THE JOKE

1. Always be prepared for a meeting.
2. Don't be an idiot (as usual)

Editorial: This scenario has yet to happen in my life but I plan to crack this joke when I get my transfer out notice from the HQ... hahahaha... payback time!! Ermmm... ahhhh... ehhhh...

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 24)

Lord Adam, the CEO of XYZ Plc. wanted to organise a coordination meeting between all the subsidiary companies. Mr. Baker was given the task of coordinating the meeting.

This conversation happened between Mr. Baker and the Mr. Rave, Managing Director of United Kinetic Mining, one of the main XYZ subsidiary company.

Mr. Baker: Good morning, Mr. Rave. I wish to inform you that Lord Adam wishes to organise a coordination meeting and would like you to join the meeting on 3 April.

Mr. Rave: I will be at India at that time. I won't be able to make it. Anyway, it's XYZ's matter, you all can proceed without me. But at the same time, I think I must be there for the meeting since we are part of XYZ. But then I am not available on 3 April.

Mr. Baker: Ok, I will inform Lord Adam you can't make it.

Mr. Rave: Hmm... But I strongly feel that I must be there. But I am not available on 3 April.

Mr. Baker: Ok, then. Will you be sending any representatives from United Kinetic to the meeting?

Mr. Rave: Well, you know, no point sending others. I make all the decision here. I strongly feel that I must be there. United Kinetic Mining is ME...

Mr. Baker: Ok, then. No representatives from United Kinetic Mining.

MORAL OF THE JOKE

1. Stop acting like an idiot who felt that he is so important and the world will come to a halt when he stops.
2. Arrogance + Dumb = Idiotic

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 23)

Mr. Vash (Boss): Baker, the Sales Manager from HQ called me just now. Apparently they did not receive sales figures yet. Can you please send them to HQ? I have a meeting on 9.30 am.

Mr. Baker (worker): Boss, I sent it three days ago. By email and fax.

Mr. Vash: Please send it again. I have a meeting on 9.30 am.

Mr. Baker: Ok, Boss.

Mr. Vash: Make sure you send it immediately and give them a call. I have a meeting on 9.30 am.

Mr. Baker: Boss, do you want to include yesterday's sales as well.

Mr. Vash: It's ok, just send the previous figure. I have a meeting on 9.30 am.

Mr. Baker: Ok, Boss. I'll do it now.

Mr. Vash: Ok, please do it now. I have a meeting on 9.30 am.

MORAL OF THE JOKE

• Please don't use lame excuses "I have a meeting on 9.30 am" so that you can pass your responsibilities to your subordinates.
• Do not continuously repeat the lame excuses.

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 22)

Mr. Muka-masam is the latest sales executive to be transfered from the HQ. Everybody in the office felt that he is a very serious person because he never smiled or greet others in the office.

One day, Mr. Muka-masam was having a discussion with his assistant...

Mr. Muka-masam: Hey Ms. Nej, I noticed that the people in this office is very unfriendly.

Ms. Nej: Why you say like that?

Mr. Muka-masam: When I meet the staff or other executives in this office, they never smile or greet me.

Ms. Nej: Nope, people in this office are very friendly. (in her heart: of course people won't greet at an executive who has the look of a criminal or a rotten bitter-gourd...)

MORAL OF THE JOKE

• If you are a newbie in the office, don't expect the whole office to "throw you a welcoming party." Go and mix or social around to know the people; even the lower staff.

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 21)

Mr. Vash (Boss) and Mr. Feliz (Big Boss) decided that Mr. Baker (Worker) will be the presenter for a corporate briefing.

Mr. Vash: Mr. Baker, you will be the presenter for our company in the corporate briefing next two days.

Mr. Baker: Ok, Boss.

1 day before the event, Mr. Vash went to meet the CEO.

CEO: Is Baker reliable? Is he confident to make the presentation tomorrow? I don't want any mistakes to happen.

Mr. Vash: Ermm.. ahhh... ehhh... You don't want him aa?.. ermm.. ahhh... ehhh... It's Mr. Feliz personally selected him, not me... Ermm.. ahhh... ehhh... I am not sure...

CEO: You are not sure?

Mr. Vash: Ermm.. ahhh... ehhh... I think better ask Jack to do it..

CEO: You better ask Jack to be the presenter and inform Baker in a nice way.

Mr. Vash: Ok, boss.

Mr. Jack was having a bad sore throat.

Mr. Vash: Boss, Jack is having a bad sore throat and I am afraid that he can't be the presenter for tomorrow. How aa? I think aa... I think aa... I think aa... we should ask Baker to be the presenter. He has a lot of experience in this field.

CEO: He has a lot of experience? You should have said this earlier!! Now, go and ask him to be the presenter again!!!

Mr. Vash: Ermm.. ahhh... ehhh... Yes, boss.. Yes, boss...

Mr. Vash informing Mr. Baker.

Mr. Vash: Baker, we have decided to re-select you as the presenter.

Mr. Baker: (*&%$!^#^&$(@& Idiot!)

MORAL OF THE JOKE

1. As a boss, you must always know the strengths and weaknesses of your subordinates.
2. You must defend your subordinate and not just following order from your higher boss like a parrot.

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 20)

Mr. Mosquito is chairing a meeting and it was nearing the end....

Mr. Mosquito: Ok, anything else before we end the meeting?

Mr. J: No, boss.

Ms. Soo: No, boss.

Ms. Mery: No, boss.

Mr. Mosquito: Ok, then. We can adjourn the meeting. Back to the discussion earlier. Mr. Soo, are you really sure that our company never deal with Croatia before? I was send by our HQ to Croatia to clinch some deals with them, you know.

Ms. Soo: Ya, boss. But the deal never went through.

Mr. Mosquito: Do you wanna bet RM500 on this? (hand reaching his pocket and throw a bunch of money on the table)

Ms. Soo: But boss....

Mr Mosquito: You answer me first. Do you wanna bet? Do you wanna bet?

Ms. Soo: Boss....

Mr Mosquito: You answer me first. Do you wanna bet? Do you wanna bet?

Mr. Soo: Boss, I don't bet.

Mr. Mosquito: See, you are not sure also. That's why you don't wanna bet with me. Ok, meeting adjourned...

MORAL OF THE JOKE

1. Be professional and don't use office as a illegal gambling parlour.
2. If the matter is closed and solved in the earlier discussion, please let it go.
3. Again, don't be an idiot in front of your subordinates... They'll never learn, will they?

Tales of Idiotic & Perverted Boss (Part 19)

Email from Mr. Mosquito:

Mr. J.,

We have received a request from HQ to provide the sales figures from our various unit. Please coordinate and get all the figures and send to HQ.

We have to be seen doing something.

Mr. Mosquito

Senior Manager

MORAL OF THE JOKE

1. If you are really good, you don't have to try hard acting good.
2. How to act busy when you are already busy..?
3. Stop all the acting and start your job already!!
4. Don't preach all the idiotic stuff to your subordinate, one scum like you in the department is bad enough.

Tales of Idiotic Boss (Part 18)

Boss’s Wife: Ou.. you are the Ms. D whom my husband always talked about at home. You are his assistant, right?

Ms. D: Yes, I am.

Boss’s Wife: He said that you are an efficient assistant and ALWAYS DO ALL HIS WORK.

Ms. D: Haha..

Boss’s Wife: Then, I am wondering what is he doing in the office for the whole day?

MORAL OF THE JOKE

1. If you are a lazy boss, just keep it to yourself. Don't tell anybody even your wife... hahaha..